Grief Unwanted
by The Azzinator
Summary: Genma is having a hard time getting over Hayate's death. Raidou is trying to keep his sanity. Can Genma and Raidou get back into their healthy relationship? RaidouxGenmaxHayate Hayate past tense
1. Chapter 1

I'm new to Fan Fiction.

Hope you like this. :)

I'm...obviously...not finished. And I'm just currently getting used to the way this works.

Sorry the chapters are so short. I'll try to lengthen them.

Lots of cussing.

I don't own Naruto or its characters.

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The forests were very calm this evening. Nothing seemed to be wrong. And nothing really was...except for the pain in humans hearts.

A man was thrashing about his room in the hospital. Objects were being thrown through the window and against walls. A harsh cry came from his throat as he fell to his knees. Nurses were banging on the door, trying to open it. The man had thrown a chair against the door, so even if the handle hadn't broken, it would need more than just a plain nurse to open it.

"Hayate..." the man howled, his hands buried in his face as he rocked himself in the middle of the room. Tears dripped off the back of his hands, plopping onto the tile beneath him. He moaned in his grief, biting his lower lip and grabbing his hair. He didn't want to accept this and he couldn't take this fucking grief. He knew he couldn't do anything about it and that's what hurt him the most.

"Genma open this door before I pound it in!"

It was Raidou. His best friend. But he didn't want to open it. He didn't want his lover to see him like this. He was in a horrible state and he felt weak and pathetic. He was a fucking ninja, why was he groveling over another ninja? You aren't supposed to show your emotions! What a fucking joke!

"Leave me the FUCK ALONE, Raidou!" he screamed, throwing a metal chair at the window. It shattered, obviously, and he left through the exit he had made. He knew he was being irrational, and he knew he was being a big baby. But this was Hayate. And the Sand had killed him.

Baki had killed Hayate.

No, he knew he couldn't take on Baki. He was the teacher of that wretched beast Gaara. He didn't really care what happened to Sand when it came down to the villages. He didn't really care about any of the villages. But now he hated Sand. He hated Baki. And as much as he wanted to get back at him, he knew that he would die trying. And even though he would like to join his previous lover, he knew it is not what Hayate would want to happen.

Genma, Hayate, and Raidou were very close friends. VERY close friends. Casual threesomes would come to pass if Raidou would allow it, and years ago Hayate and Genma used to be an item. They were best friends, even when they had broken up. And the only reason they had left each other in a relationship status was because Hayate didn't want Genma to be around him while he ended up dying. Hayate was very sick. He coughed all the time. It was not contagious but there was nothing anyone could do for him. It was pretty much a genetic thing, and Hayate accepted it. He knew he'd be living with it for years...but really, he didn't live very long after it...

Genma and Raidou tried to help Hayate as much as they could with his sickness. They looked for cures and everything, but they came up with nothing. And they knew they never would come up with something...in time. And then, as soon as Genma has a hunch of what he can do...

Life isn't fair, and it will never be fair. That is the way of the world for shinobi.

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Wheee. Hope you liked it! Hope my chapters aren't too short. :( 


	2. Chapter 2

Some angsty-ness. xD

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Genma sat alone on a tree branch in a forest. He was done weeping and he did not want to go back to the hospital. Although he was still somewhat unstable, he did not want to return. It only gave him back the thoughts he wanted to lose. 

He could sense Raidou's presence; Raidou obviously wanted to be noticed. Genma did not stir. He didn't feel too up to a conversation, but he wanted to apologize for his actions at the hospital.

Raidou hopped beside Genma on the sturdy branch and plopped his butt down on it. He let his legs dangle down and looked over to his friend as he set his hands in his lap.

"Genma...I understand how you feel...but..." Raidou sighed, shaking his head. He did not want to upset him but he didn't know how to put it.

"Raidou, I know that you know how it is. You're just...better than me...at everything." Raidou opened his mouth to say something smart, but changed his mind.  
"Now you know that isn't true. You're better than me at plenty of things. You're hell of a lot better at transforming than I am. You put in precise detail! I can't believe how exact you are. When I transform, I might leave out scrapes and bruises, but you go down to the last drop of blood on their _shoe_. You're wonderful, Genma. And I love you. You're completely capable of doing what you want, and you let people know how you feel when you are upset. I know how pissed you are at Sand right now, I'm pissed, too. Obviously, something big is about to happen...and I want you to get out..."

Genma looked over at his friend. Trouble? In Leaf? Since how long?

"What do you think will happen?" he asked, looking down to the ground, which was mostly covered by other branches below him.

"...I think...during the Chuunin exam...something big is gonna happen, and we can't be here to wait and find out. It's months away, but..." Genma interrupted him quickly.

"Raidou, I have...**have** to be at the Chuunin exam...no matter what. It was placed as my duty to perform...Hayate's job...as the observer and judge in the Chuunin exam..." Tears again. He quickly wiped them away, but they kept coming. He buried his face again in his hands.

"If they knew what once went on with us..." he began to choke on his words. "...would things be different? Would I have his job like I do now? How am I going to go on with myself in his shoes? I don't want to take up his responsibilities. I don't want to be around his once stated area, where he once lingered...alive. I don't know how I'll put up with it! I can _feel_ him around me everywhere! Every place I've gone he has always been there. I can't take it, Raidou. I can't fucking take this anymore! It was bad enough that I could hardly tell him about anything anymore because he was always gone, but now he's gone for good and I can never touch his skin again! I can't even touch a strand of his hair! Raidou, I love you, but Hayate is still in my heart and I know that you understand... I don't want you to get jealous but I can't take it! I don't want to be hurt like this..."

Raidou pulled Genma against him, an arm around him and a hand removing Genma's headband to run his fingers through his hair. It always calmed him down, and he wanted to do his best at calming him at the moment.

The sobbing eventually stopped and Genma was recovering well. Raidou hated to see him like this. It hurt him a lot. And this was the only time he has ever really seen Genma cry this much. It was horrible. He almost didn't know what to do.

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Hope you liked. 


	3. Chapter 3

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They left the forest and went to Raidou's home where Genma slept. Raidou wondered how long he would sleep, and wondered if he wanted to leave the village for a while... But he knew Genma would not want to leave, although he desperately wanted to get away. Genma was easy to read if you've been around him for as long as Raidou has.

Raidou sat on the couch in his living room, thinking all of the different reasons, paths, and all of the things that had happened in the past. Raidou didn't know anymore than Genma did, and it was even more hard to calm himself down from going completely nuts than it was to calm down Genma. He loved Genma. They were lovers, best friends, and they were team mates. They always grouped together and they always had things to talk about. They did not let their relationship get in the way of their duties to the village, and there weren't many who knew of their relationship in the first place.

There were few very good friends who knew of Genma and Raidou. Even Hayate.

Kakashi. Yeah, he knew. And what did Kakashi have to hide? Nothing. Everyone knew Kakashi and Iruka were an item. The only people that didn't, or didn't care to know, were the children of the village. It was not bothersome. It did not bother anyone in the village. Plans were not messed up because of their relationship. And even though there were more than those two who were greatly involved in each other and everyone knew of them, Raidou and Genma were still worried about their own relationship falling to pieces because they were gay. Genma was a lot more open-minded and carefree when it came to all of this, but he still wasn't sure if everyone should know.

Iruka also knew, which was no big surprise. Iruka was the most honest, trustworthy man you could ever find. He was always noble and ridiculously noble to his lover.

There were close friends that knew, but he did not think that Hokage even knew...which bothered him because if Hokage knew, then she wouldn't have Genma take Hayate's place...would she?

Raidou rubbed his temples and moaned quietly. He had a massive headache from all this. He stood up and walked back into his bedroom, where Genma slept quietly. Raidou frowned, looking upon the bed as he stepped nearer. Genma was, earlier, tossing and turning in his bed. The covers were a mess. He felt so bad for Genma. And then, he even felt bad for himself. Why wasn't Raidou crying? His lover was in all sorts of pain. Mental and physical. His best friend, and Genma's best friend, was dead. Killed by the Sand. He was angry, full of a lot of pain himself, and he knew that holding it in was very bad for him...but he did not know he was repressing it.

Raidou plopped down beside Genma and wrapped him up in his arms. He fell asleep instantly.

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	4. Chapter 4

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Genma sat up right with his legs straight out in front of him. He was sitting in the grass, perhaps in a meadow? He could only see his legs, his feet, and the grass that swayed between his ankles and on either side of his legs. It looked daylight, like the sun was high up in the sky. And as he looked up, the rest of the scenery flashed out of proportion as he glanced it to look at the sky, he noted the lovely blue sky with the beautiful, giant clouds that passed by, covering him in their massive shadows. Indeed, the sun was high in the sky, and the breeze was absolutely marvelous. He loved this sort of weather. Not too cold, and not hot at all. Just perfect for a lovely walk through the outskirts, or even the village itself, of the Hidden Leaf.

Genma looked down again, away from the sky, and at his surroundings. This time it did not flash out of proportion. It was a meadow. Hills, grass...and a single oak tree in the middle of it all on top of a small hill. Farther out, the meadow was surrounded with forest. Genma squinted at the tree, he could see a black figure standing against its awesome trunk. Who was this dark figure?

Genma pushed himself up and began to walk towards the tree, unaware that every step he took caused the scenery behind him to turn into a fiery red apocalypse. As he stepped nearer to the one at the tree, he finally realized it was his love! It was Hayate!

"Hayate! You're alive! Oh, God, Hayate!" He brought his hands up to his face, running his hands through his hair. He began to sob as he ran towards his friend. When they were but five feet from each other, Hayate was looking up at the tree. His expression almost reminding Genma of death. Hayate looked down at him, his eyes wide, and his mouth agape. An expressionless noise came from his throat as he closed his mouth to smile sweetly. Genma hardly noticed these strange things that Hayate was showing, and just as he touched Hayate's arm to hug him, Hayate's chest exploded with blood. Genma screamed. Hayate was once again leaning against the tree, his body sliding down to sit as he died. One knee up, the other straight out. His arms were limp at his sides. Genma took a step backwards, blood all over his clothes and his face. He was sobbing again. As he took that fatal step back, he found himself in the apocalypse that he had created. Hayate was no more the full, human being that had his chest burst, but now, Hayate began to stand. His flesh began to decay. He had a terrible look of evil in his eyes and the more Genma stepped behind himself, the more everything in front of him began to burst into flames and decay. Hayate brushed a hand across Genma's bloody face, and he could feel his cheeks on fire. Hayate took a kunai and...

"Genma, wake up! It's OK!" Raidou was on top of Genma, shaking his upper body to wake him up. He knew this was a bad thing to do; waking someone up while they slept. But he could no longer take the screaming. It was tearing him up because he could bet his life on the thought that Genma was dreaming of Hayate. Genma screamed once more and tried to punch Raidou, but he was held down. He could not move. Genma began to cry again.

"Raidou, I'm so sorry... I didn't mean... I didn't mean to try and hit you..." Genma felt like such a horrible person. He was totally messed up. He couldn't keep himself up anymore. He felt weak and emotionally torn.

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I hope this didn't confuse any of you, and I hope this isn't going too fast. :( If you still need help on figuring out who these people are, you should probably check 'em out on Google or currently working on the 5th chapter right now! I'd love some reviews. 


	5. Chapter 5

Ahh! Chapter five! Much longer than the other chapters! I really hope this tickles your fancy. ;)

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Genma sat on the couch the rest of the day wrapped up in a blanket. He did not want to be touched. He did not want to talk about it. He did not want to talk about anything.

Raidou sat in the kitchen. His hand was clenched around a glass full of water. Both hands were shaking. He was so…the word just indescribable. He still couldn't cry. Why? What was holding him back? Was he afraid of becoming embarrassed? He let a screech rip out of his throat and shoved the glass across the counter and onto the floor. It shattered as it hit the tile. Genma still stared out into space. He didn't even blink.

Raidou rubbed the burns on his face and chest. He was shirtless. He could hardly even remember where the scars came from. Was it from the Nine Tails?

"Probably…" he muttered to himself.

It all happened when Raidou was young. He had a scar on his face that ran all the way down to his chest on his left side. They never went away, which surprised his parents as they got older. Fortunately, his scar didn't get worse. It's been the same since it scarred over.

Raidou's parents managed to stay alive during the attack of the Kyuubi. Raidou was the only one in his family who was harmed.

It was all coming back now. He couldn't believe he wasn't having nightmares still. It may not have been scary to a person who hadn't actually been through it, but the pain was excruciating.

Raidou was studying his jutsu one evening, staying up late like he usually did, when he certainly wasn't supposed to. And today was not a good day to stay up late. Especially OUT late.

In the woods he repeated the same jutsu at least ten times. Then he moved to the next jutsu. (Although, now that he's getting older, he's become lazy with his copying. But when he really needs to do a good copy or clone, he gets right down to the details like Genma does if such a mission needs it. It's funny how Raidou is sometimes more lazy than Genma. But Genma sees his jutsu as art.)

Raidou never really had anything bad happen in his life up to now. His mother was very sick and his father was called upon by the Hokage. Raidou admired the Fourth Hokage. He was a wonderful man. Raidou loved how Hokage went around the village and no one felt looked down upon by him. Hokage was strict to a limit when the strictness called for it, but he was very laid back and loved hanging around the children of the village.

There were rumors about Hokage having a son, but nothing of a wife. It was strange and sometimes annoying, but Raidou didn't care to pry into other peoples lives. Especially Hokage's.

"Ahh… I think I should go home now…" Raidou muttered. He let himself fall down onto the ground and onto his back. There were no clouds in the sky and the trees hardly got in the way of his view of the stars. It was a beautiful, cool night. "I wonder if Mother is doing okay… I shouldn't have left her… And what about Dad?" Raidou sighed and rolled over on his side. "Dad'll be angry if he gets back before I do…"

Raidou closed his eyes, thinking. "But I have to…study. I need to get stronger…in case something happens!" Raidou pushed himself up in a sitting position as her heard a sound.

'What was that?' he thought to himself, looking around frantically. He stood up slowly and continued looking through the forest.

A massive orange/red glow of chakra suddenly appeared deeper in the woods. Raidou suddenly became too afraid and overwhelmed by the amount of chakra the beast had to even move. It was moving very fast, and already he could see its monstrous nine tails swinging in every direction, knocking down trees.

"It's…it's the Kyuubi!" The beast was right there. Right in front of him. It had stopped. He could hear other ninjas following it. What was he going to do? He couldn't move. There was no where to go. He was done for.

"_What a worthless human,"_ the Kyuubi said. It circled Raidou once, looking at his body and practically breathing in his strength. It stopped in front of Raidou again and puffed a breath in his face. He flinched and turned his head. The breath…it burns! Kyuubi hit Raidou in the chest with its head, burning his chest. The breath had burned Raidou's face. His chest felt like it was on fire. His flesh wasn't on fire but his clothes were! Raidou began to scream. The Kyuubi ran off again as the ninjas of Konoha made their way after it.

The Kyuubi was an enormous nine tailed demon fox… 'Why didn't it kill me…?' Raidou thought as he held himself in excruciating pain. He didn't even notice the figure coming up to him. Raidou began to whimper as the pain became unbearable. He didn't want to pass out…

"Raidou!"

That voice…

"Raidou! Oh my God… Can you hear me?" It was Hokage. It was the 4th. Raidou's eyelids shot open.

"Hokage! I didn't mean… I was out practicing and…" Raidou was picked up and he stopped talking. Hokage had him in his arms. "Raidou, don't worry… I'll take you to a hospital. I can't heal you right now… The Kyuubi…" Hokage grimaced. He was outrageously angry with that damn demon now. Raidou began to cry. "Hokage, it's all my fault… If I had just stayed home you wouldn't have to do this…" Hokage shook his head and smiled down at Raidou. "Just be quiet. None of this is your fault."

Raidou woke up in the hospital with his wounds wrapped up in bandages. He wasn't feeling that great, but a lot better than he did the night before… A nurse was standing beside his bed. His father was on the other side, asleep in a chair. The nurse looked…really sad.

"Oh…you're awake," she said. She had blonde hair that was put up in a bun. She was wearing the normal hospital attire—a white coat and a little hat and such.

"Yeah… I still feel…pretty bad," Raidou winced as he brushed a hand across the bandages. The nurse's expression did not change.

"Where's the Fourth Hokage?" Raidou asked, sitting up a little. The nurse pushed him back down onto his back and shook her head.

"Raidou, I'm sorry to say…but the Fourth Hokage is dead."

Raidou merely looked up at the nurse, his mouth agape, his eyes wide still with the anticipation of hearing that his hero was alive and well in his home, or even in the hospital waiting to see if he was alright. Raidou did not see the Hokage. Raidou did not get any "Oh are you alright?" from anyone. No one knew what Hokage did. Raidou never told anyone.

The Fourth was dead and Raidou was not. It was not fair.

And Raidou hasn't been the same ever since. He felt guilty for years. He kept saying it was his fault. He didn't believe the Hokage HAD to die to seal the demon in Naruto. And the only thing that Naruto reminded him of was sadness. Naruto was not a bad kid. He was a trouble maker because he had no one to look to when he was hurt, when he needed help. He didn't really have friends and the most he could do was make a fool of himself because he had no one to praise him or even look at him when he did something accomplishing or to raise his esteem even after he has lost a battle. Raidou understood. He had not felt such exact feelings because of it, but he knows the feeling of loneliness. His parents did not care as much as others about his accomplishments. They were too wrapped up in everything else.

There were good times in the bad. There always are. Raidou welcomed them with open arms.

Raidou sometimes hated to look at Naruto. He did not give him a glare or an unwanted stare. He merely looked away. He couldn't bear it. He didn't want to think of the Fourth. Naruto looked _so much like him…_ Raidou wouldn't be surprised if Naruto was the Fourth's son. There _were_ rumors after all. Even when he was a kid. But Naruto was just born the day the Kyuubi had come into the village. It was amazing and very coincidental. Like it was meant to be.

Raidou was too shocked the day he found out the Fourth Hokage was dead that he did not cry. And he has not since. What was there to cry about?

But now there is plenty to cry about. But cry he does not.

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Wow! It took me a while to write this since I've been multi-tasking like a mad man! But I like it. A lot.

Sorry I kept calling him The Fourth Hokage or 4th Hokage or Hokage. I'll end up editing this chapter once I find out what his real name is. I used to know it, but the knowledge has leaked from my brain. :(


	6. Chapter 6

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The next few days were the same as the last. Raidou was angry. Genma wouldn't say anything. He would eat very little, drink very little, and sleep very little. He did not speak. And Raidou wanted to take him to the hospital. Genma would not have that. He would _not_. 

Raidou tried to calm himself down with working out. Taking out some anger in punches and kicks at the punching bag and the training field in the forest. It hardly lifted his spirits. He wondered if anyone even realized they were gone. But it had been too long for Raidou… He wanted to talk to his friend. His lover.

"Genma…" Raidou whispered in Genma's ear.

"Genma, can you hear me? You have to get up and eat more…get out of the house…" he said. Genma did not stir.

"Genma, please get up… You're going to kill yourself if you keep this up! Is that what you want? To leave me? Genma, Hayate's death was not all that bad! Hayate still lives on in our hearts, no matter how corny that sounds! I'm serious, Genma… Please stop moping around!" he cried. Desperate. He wanted things back to normal. If a friend was killed, then that was it. There was nothing anyone could do for him. It was a lost cause. Resurrection was not an option. Genma rolled onto his side on the bed.

'At least he had been sleeping…' Raidou thought to himself. He was becoming upset again. When would Genma get up? This was becoming ridiculous.

There was a knock on the door.

Raidou got up from Genma's side and walked slowly to the door. Whoever it was kept knocking until Raidou opened it.

Kakashi.

"Oh, hello, Raidou. Are you busy? I haven't seen you in a while and I, Iruka also, have been wondering if something has…gone wrong," Kakashi looked weary. Maybe Iruka kept him up all night worrying about them. Raidou hoped not.

"Oh…well… Tell Iruka we're fine. But, Kakashi…" Raidou sighed. Kakashi was a loyal friend.

"Come in, Kakashi. Sorry the home is such a mess," Raidou gestured Kakashi entrance. He nodded gratefully and stepped inside. Kakashi found himself a seat on the couch in the living room.

"Is something wrong?" Kakashi asked, obviously knowing the answer to that already.

"Well, Kakashi, yes." Raidou sat down next to Kakashi, lifting his hands to rub his own forehead. "Genma is…heartbroken. I think. He hardly eats or drinks. He doesn't speak. Since Hayate's death neither of us have been the same…" Raidou tried not to choke on his words. It didn't matter. He knew he wouldn't cry. "I need to let out all this stress…but I can't. I can't cry. I can only get angry. Genma stays in bed ALL day. I can't get him up. I give him food all the time but he hardly eats. I've been staying up late trying to get myself together. I find myself breaking more than just glasses every day. I try to relieve my anger with physical aggressive-ness at our training spot, but it hardly does anything to help me…" Raidou covered his face with his hands and leaned back.

"…I didn't realize it was this bad, Raidou… I'm sorry," Kakashi said. He would not tell Iruka. Iruka would throw a fit and freak out.

Raidou jumped suddenly. "Oh please, don't tell Iruka… He'd DIE if he found out about this…" Raidou wanted to cry so badly. Why wasn't he? Where were his tears? Did they die just like Yondaime did? Kakashi agreed not to, and he wouldn't.

Kakashi left not too long after that. They talked only a little. Kakashi couldn't really do anything to make Raidou feel better. He decided time would have to heal them. Nothing he could do.

That hurt Raidou.

Raidou sat down next to Genma who was sitting up against the headboard.

"Genma, do you remember how it was when Hayate wasn't around for us even when we needed him most? We survived then. It was painful, but we did. And now, even though he's gone for good…" Raidou trailed off for a moment, trying to collect himself.

"Genma, Hayate will always watch over us and protect us and love us. He died protecting the village and those he loved. That beastly Sand nin will get what he deserves… Genma, I don't want you to be upset anymore…" His eyes were growing dim and glassy. He rubbed his forehead with one hand and began to rock a little on the bed. He sniffled a little and then looked up at Genma. He was giving him a strange look, and he didn't know what it meant. "Genma I love you… I don't want this to hurt you so badly…please just go back to normal again… How do you think Hayate feels right now? He's probably going to die inside if we keep going on like this… We need to move on… I know it hurts…"

A single tear. Genma gasped. He reached out for Raidou.

Raidou never felt better. It was only a little, but it was enough to satisfy him. He didn't know where it came from, but Genma's deadness only made him feel worse. Genma began to sob as he held his lover.

"Raidou I can't believe…you're crying…" he managed to say. Raidou did not want to lose another. So much. Lost.

Genma seemed to be getting better but the nightmares did not cease. There was nothing Raidou could do for him. Raidou couldn't cry again. He wasn't finished. He needed more. More release. They did not make love to relieve their stress. That would not help them, and they knew it. Kakashi dropped by more often, glad that they were slowly recovering. Genma would eat now and Raidou stopped breaking things. Genma tried not to cry so much because he knew Raidou was still having trouble… He figured it had to do with Yondaime but he didn't want to bring him up… But what else could he do?

Genma and Raidou sat in the woods. Both sitting on a stump. They were at their training spot. But they weren't training. Just talking and reflecting. Talking about their past, what had been happening. All of it. Raidou no longer wished to leave the village. Genma didn't want to hear another word of it. He was getting better and that's all that mattered, besides Raidou getting better. They still weren't in their greatest condition. Tsunade-sama knew of their situation. She didn't need anyone to tell her to figure out what was going on. With their absence of the funeral, it was quite obvious. She knew something had been going on with the three, but then it only became more clear as time went on without Hayate. She did not take Genma off of the Chuunin job, though. He was the only one that could do it. Most observant, he was. She needed him. The village did.

"Raidou… Are you still upset about the death of Yondaime?"

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Oh jeez, I know I just totally messed up. Tsunade isn't even considered to be the 5th Hokage yet. 3rd Hokage isn't even dead yet. D: I'm sorry for the screw up but I messed up earlier in the story, too, and I just don't feel like fixing it…

Also…I'm not proud of this chapter. I'm becoming lazier. Maybe some of you will enjoy it, but I feel like it turned to crap. It took me a lot of effort to start writing this again. XD I'm starting another story, too. If you play Everquest Frontiers, you might enjoy it. Also starting a fanfiction about Magna Carta: Tears of Blood, a new PS2 game. Haven't started it yet…

Sorry for the disappointment, if there was any.

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